A Way to Learn Forgiveness
by LuckyLadybug
Summary: After the horrifying events of the episode In Silent Battle, Audra is visited by the spirit of Sergeant McQuade, whom Major Eliot killed in the Barkley home. But this strange encounter is only the first step on the path to redemption for a lost soul, and Audra will find that she and her family will be involved all the way along.
1. Chapter 1

**The Big Valley**

 **A Way to Learn Forgiveness**

 **By Lucky_Ladybug**

 **Notes: The characters are not mine and the story is! I got the idea for this immediately after watching** _ **In Silent Battle**_ **, a very dark and creepy episode of the series. I've just recently started exploring Don Knight's acting roles, and I found Sergeant McQuade, his character in that episode, very interesting and three-dimensional. He certainly made some bad choices in his life, and there's no doubt he was selfish and greedy, and yet he wasn't a complete slimeball. I decided to explore him a bit. This starts after Major Eliot flips out on Audra, but before the epilogue.**

 **Chapter One**

Audra didn't know how she was ever going to get to sleep the night Major Eliot murdered his aide and tried to do the same to Audra and her mother. For a long time she stayed awake and just sat in the living room with her family, badly shaken and trying to make some sense out of what didn't make sense at all.

No matter how long they talked and how they tried to figure out the Major's horrifying behavior, it was like Greek to Audra. He had seemed so nice, so noble, until a stunned Audra had realized he had gotten the wrong idea about their relationship and turned down his proposal. Then he had become a different man, ranting about Audra being unpure like all the rest. Even before he had attacked her later that night, the shadows of evil had flickered in his eyes at that moment. It was going to haunt her for a long time.

It was only an hour or so to dawn when Audra finally felt like she could sleep. Putting on a brave smile, she bade her mother and brothers Goodnight and headed up the stairs towards her room.

She had just entered her room and started to cross to the bed with an oil lamp when a sound made her jump and turn. "Hello, Lovey," the translucent form of Sergeant McQuade greeted her as he leaned on the doorframe.

Audra could not refrain from an alarmed yet choked cry. "What are you doing here?!" she gasped.

"Well, now, I don't exactly know." McQuade pushed away from the door and walked to the opposite side of the room from Audra. "I thought I'd be burnin' in Hell about now. Maybe I've got some unfinished business." He stopped and looked to her. "Do you believe I'm really here?"

Audra shook her head. "I don't know what I believe. Maybe I'm seeing things that aren't here."

McQuade shrugged. "That's a fair question. Most people would probably say that's exactly what it is, since they think ghosts are children's fairy tales. Of course, where I came from, there's still a lot of people who are more open-minded about it."

"I didn't say I don't believe there could be ghosts," Audra said. "I've certainly wished and hoped to see people I care about who have died. But why you, Sergeant?"

"I don't know," McQuade replied. "Because I'm still here in your house? Because what happened tonight is still too fresh? Because after almost dying yourself, you're more susceptible to seeing the other side?"

Audra averted her gaze. She had to admit that sounded possible, but then again, maybe that was just because she was a girl with flights of fantasy. On the other hand, there were so many other people she would have rather encountered than Sergeant McQuade. To see him, she had to think that it was more than just a fantasy.

"Alright," she said at last. "I'm going to try to think that you're really here."

McQuade nodded. "I'd appreciate it. As long as I _am_ here, it would be kind of monotonous to have to spend all my afterlife just trying to convince you or someone else it's real."

"Have you even talked to anyone else?" Audra asked.

"The sheriff, when he came up to look over my dead body," McQuade said. "And the undertaker, when he came to take it away. Didn't have much luck with either of them. I decided not to even bother going downstairs. I'd just wait for you or someone else to come up and try again then."

Audra sighed and turned away, walking closer to the dresser. "Do you know why Major Eliot killed you and tried to kill me?" She set the lamp down.

"Yes." McQuade started to pace the floor. "I knew about the girl he killed in Tucson; I found him just as he was finishing the branding after he strangled her. I should've turned him in then. I would have if I was any decent sort. But he was livin' pretty fancy and he panicked and offered to take me along for the ride and enjoy his rich living if I'd keep quiet. And like a greedy pig, I agreed."

Audra frowned. "But you tried to stop him from drinking last night."

"I was selfish and greedy, but I didn't want anyone else's blood on the Major's hands or on my conscience," McQuade said. "He tried to send me away from Stockton when we first arrived, but I refused because I was afraid of what might happen if I wasn't around. Yes, I tried to stop him from drinking, but it didn't do any good. I guess it was when I learned about Cora's death that I realized I'd got in over my head. I confronted the Major about it and he told me some sob story about his mother always sellin' herself to men and him watchin' when he was just a boy. That's what made him lash out at any woman he thought wasn't pure."

Now Audra's eyes flickered with sadness. "How awful!" she gasped. "But that doesn't give him the right to kill anyone in cold blood!" 

"Course not. But he wasn't right in the head, I'm afraid. Growing up in that environment really did something to him that never went away. After the second murder, he assured me it wouldn't happen again and threatened me with being an accomplice or an accessory since I knew he'd done it. Well, I couldn't have that. But by then I was afraid he'd never really be different and there'd always be someone I'd have to protect from him. I knew it couldn't keep going on like that; either my sanity or his instability would completely give way before much longer."

"What about poor Jud Crowley?" Audra pounced. "Were you really going to let him suffer for something Major Eliot did?"

"I really don't know what I was going to do," McQuade admitted. "I didn't want an innocent person to get hanged, but I didn't want my own life to be over either. And before I could really decide how to handle that situation, the Major was talkin' about proposing to you even though you scarcely knew each other. I had a horrible feeling of what would happen if you turned him down, and I was sure you would since you'd only barely met.

"That night I found that he'd got into your family's liquor and I knew it was going to happen again. It only ever happened when he drank. I was sure he'd started drinking because you turned him down, so the first thing I did when I went looking for him with my gun drawn was to make sure you were alright. You were, of course, but I knew that even though you were still alive then, he'd go after you sooner or later."

"And he killed you so you couldn't stop him from killing me," Audra whispered in horror.

McQuade sighed. "He figured he was killing me so that I couldn't kill him to stop him from naming me as an accomplice. Maybe that was part of it; Heaven knows I'm a coward. But I honestly never wanted anyone else to be hurt. If he hadn't got the drop on me, yes, I would have held the gun on him and probably ended up killing him so he couldn't kill you."

"Then you can't be all bad," Audra said. "Not that I really believe anyone is."

"You're a kind lass. I can see why the Major felt you were a pure one." McQuade's shoulders slumped and he looked up at the ceiling. "I got involved in the mess when I didn't turn him in. It stayed out of control because of me. It's fitting that I ended up getting myself killed because of it." He looked back to Audra. "Maybe now that I've explained it all to you, I'm squared away and I'll be going to my eternity of fire and brimstone. Not that I'm especially eager for that to start, but there's nothing I can do to fight it. It's only just."

Audra frowned. "If you're sorry and you sincerely want to change, there should still be some hope for you. Maybe if you prayed . . ."

"I'm not lookin' for any favors or kindnesses that I don't deserve," McQuade interrupted. " _Sorry_ doesn't fix everything, Miss Barkley. It won't bring back Cora."

Audra looked down. "No, it won't," she agreed. "But you tried to save her when you tried to keep the Major from drinking."

"Too little, too late."

Audra met his otherworldly gaze again. "There's a lot of people who probably wouldn't have even tried that much."

"Most people, even the greedy ones, wouldn't want a host of murders on their hands," McQuade answered. "That would only make it bad for them. It'd increase the chances of their meal ticket bein' caught and them goin' down with him."

That made Audra's stomach turn. "Are you trying to say that's the only reason you tried to stop him?"

"No," McQuade assured her. "But it was part of it, I'm afraid. So your thinkin' there's any hope for me is just a fantasy. I don't belong in Heaven."

"Maybe not yet," Audra agreed. "But I can't think you belong in Hell forever, either."

He gave her a sad smile. "It's a nice thought, even if there isn't any truth to it."

"I guess neither of us really knows the answer," Audra said. "But it talks in the Bible of how happy God is when someone repents."

"Repenting is about more than being sorry," said McQuade. "It also has a lot to do with being able to make up for the wrongdoing. And in a case where someone actually died because I didn't do what I should have, well, there's no makin' up for that."

Audra had to admit that seemed to be true. Still, she said, "I guess in a case like that, the only possible thing you could do would be to do whatever you could to help her loved ones."

"Ohh, Jud Crowley wouldn't want my help, I can assure you," McQuade insisted. "And what would I do? Be his guardian angel? I'm not Heaven material. I'm sure not angel material, either."

Audra sighed, defeated, yet still not wanting to give up. "Well, maybe when you leave here, you can ask someone and find out."

McQuade gave her a look that was both entertained and touched. "You're so convinced of it that you make me wonder if there's any possible glimmer of hope left for me. I guess there's no harm in asking, anyway." He stepped back.

She watched him, not sure what to make of this twisted and complicated soul yet still hoping he could somehow find redemption and peace. "No, there's no harm in asking." Then something else suddenly occurred to her and she asked, "Since you're here, why isn't Major Eliot here too?"

McQuade gave a helpless shrug. "I was kind of wonderin' that myself, but I'm just as glad he isn't. Maybe his unfinished business is somewhere else. Or maybe he doesn't have any."

"I can't believe he wouldn't have some," Audra objected.

"You're right," McQuade nodded. "And if I had to make a guess, I'd say he probably went off to find his mother, since she was at the root of all this."

"That would make sense, I guess. I hope he can find some peace too." Audra looked him in the eye. "Thank you for talking to me, Sergeant. I'm glad to know about the Major . . . and about you. Maybe this will help me to understand more what happened." She hesitated, debating with her feelings. "Of course you shouldn't have agreed to keep quiet about that first girl. But you really did try to stop any other girls from being killed. I still think that should count for something."

"Maybe. I guess we'll see." McQuade had started to fade from her sight. He nodded to her and touched the brim of his hat. "Goodbye, Miss Barkley. I'm sorry we didn't meet under better circumstances."

Audra nodded. "So am I. Goodbye, Sergeant. And . . . good luck." She smiled at him as he vanished into the night.

The room felt cold from a spirit having been present. Audra slowly extinguished the lamp she had carried upstairs and climbed into bed, a mixture of emotions swirling through her veins. Once again she doubted she would sleep. Now there was so much more to think about. Still, after a while, sleep managed to creep up on her without her even realizing . . . but not before she said a quiet prayer for Sergeant McQuade, Major Eliot, and all the other lost souls both dead and alive.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Somewhat to Audra's surprise, she slept both well and long after the eventful night. But so, apparently, had everyone else. They were just gathering around the breakfast table when Audra went down late that morning. "Good morning, everyone," she greeted.

"Good morning, Audra," Victoria smiled. It was a relief to Audra to see that she didn't seem to have suffered any lasting effects from the fight last night. Hopefully it wouldn't impede her healing progress from the accident she had suffered the day they had met Major Eliot and Sergeant McQuade.

"And how are you doing after last night?" Jarrod asked solicitously.

"Much better," Audra said with a smile of her own.

Nick exchanged a look with Jarrod before turning back to Audra. "Well, we have some news," he announced. Apparently they had been up longer than she had after all.

Audra started dishing up her food. "Are you going to tell me or just keep sitting there?" she asked playfully.

"It's about what happened last night," Jarrod said gently.

That sobered Audra up. "Oh." She drew a sharp breath. "What is it?"

Nick took the reins again. "The Major's aide, Sergeant McQuade? . . . He's not dead."

The fork clattered to Audra's plate. "What?! Of course he is!" she exclaimed in disbelief. Seeing everyone staring at her, she quickly went on, "I mean . . . I saw his body and the knife in his back. . . ." Somehow she didn't feel quite ready to tell what had happened after she had retired to bed, especially in light of this shocking news.

"Well, that's the thing," said Nick. "He went staggering out of the morgue late last night and scared several of the good people of Stockton half to death."

"He's in the hospital now," Jarrod picked up. "And he's made a confession. He said he knew the Major killed the girl in Tucson last year and Cora the other night. Major Eliot offered him high living if he didn't tell what he knew about the first killing and he accepted. He didn't know what to do about the second death. He said he tried to prevent it, but couldn't."

"That's right, he did," Audra jumped in. "We saw him try to keep the Major from drinking."

Victoria gave her a curious look. Though she definitely realized there was more to this than Audra was saying, she still chose to say nothing at this point.

"There's still Jud Crowley to think about," Nick frowned.

"Sergeant McQuade positively cleared him," Jarrod replied. "Of course, Major Eliot was already our main suspect before the Sergeant spoke up today."

Audra looked down, poking at her food. "What's going to happen to him? The Sergeant, I mean."

"When he's well enough, there'll be a court-martial at the very least," Jarrod said. "Probably a dishonorable discharge, if not prison time. But he did admit too that he was trying to protect you when he was stabbed. Considering that he was trying to look out for my only sister, I've been thinking I might defend him at his court-martial."

Audra thought about that. "I think I'm glad," she mused. "Maybe he deserves the dishonorable discharge, but I feel like he really wants to do better with his life now. He could do a lot more good out of prison than in it."

"I had the feeling that's how you would look at it," Jarrod said. "Well, with your permission, I'll check in with my newest client this afternoon."

Audra smiled. "Permission granted." Now her appetite was back. She dug into breakfast with much more relish.

xxxx

It was after breakfast when Victoria found a quiet moment to talk with Audra, as Audra had known she would. She rolled her wheelchair over to where Audra was watching out the window as Jarrod and Nick left again for town. For a moment she silently observed, as if partially waiting for Audra to speak. When Audra did not, Victoria took the initiative.

"When Jarrod and Nick were talking about Sergeant McQuade, you seemed to already know about his confession."

Audra kept staring out the window. "I saw him, Mother. After he was dead, I mean. When I went up to bed, he was waiting for me. He wanted to talk to me."

Of all things Audra could have said, Victoria certainly hadn't expected that. She had assumed she would hear that McQuade had confided in Audra at some point that evening, before the stabbing. "Were you dreaming?" she asked.

"No!" Audra spun away from the window, facing her mother with insistent, determined eyes. "It wasn't a dream. He was really there. His ghost, I guess. He said he was sure he would go to Hell for what he did. He told me about all of it and said that he was trying to stop another murder when Major Eliot found and stabbed him. Then he faded away and I got into bed." She sighed, turning away. "I knew Jarrod would be worried and Nick would make fun, but I hoped you would believe me right away."

Victoria was silent for a moment. "I don't disbelieve you, Audra. I just want to make sure. There are a lot of reasons why people might see something like a spirit. You were certainly under a heavy strain last night."

"But could I have accurately imagined everything Sergeant McQuade said today?" Audra replied passionately.

"No," Victoria answered. "That would be too much of a coincidence."

Audra slowly relaxed. "I wonder why he came to me, though," she mused. "He said he felt he had unfinished business. Why with me instead of you or Jud Crowley or any of the other people who were involved?" Mulling over that, she went on, "I know he said the sheriff and the undertaker couldn't see him, and that he was just waiting for someone else to come upstairs, but he could have tried going somewhere else instead."

"Maybe he was waiting for you because you were the intended third victim," Victoria suggested. "That was probably weighing heavily on his mind when he was stabbed. His last thought may have been that you were going to end up dead."

"Yes, I guess so." Audra looked back to the window. "And why was he allowed to come back? Why him instead of so many good people who never would have dreamed of keeping quiet about a murder just to live rich?"

"It's possible he wasn't really dead to begin with," Victoria said. "He may have only been very badly hurt. There have been reports of people temporarily leaving their bodies if they're seriously hurt or ill." She paused. "On the other hand, if he was truly dead and allowed back, maybe the mistakes he made are exactly the reason why. The good people we've known who have died lived their lives well. Most of them probably didn't have any serious regrets that ruined others' lives. God could have figured that they didn't need second chances, but that someone who had made such mistakes did."

Audra folded her arms. "I wonder if Father regretted things in his life," she said quietly.

That question was certainly one Victoria had asked herself time and again with no answer. "I don't know," she replied. "Even when people do, they're not often given the chance to try to make reparations."

"Some things can't be fixed, like someone dying." Audra looked out the window again, thoughts of last night's conversation swirling through her mind. "Cora and that girl in Tucson are gone. Jud Crowley and anyone else who cared about them will always miss them. And maybe the Sergeant could have saved Cora if he had spoke up in the first place."

"That's true." Victoria sighed. "Some things can't really be answered, Audra. In the end, only God knows why some people are given a second chance and others aren't."

Audra nodded. "And I'll have to accept that. I _am_ glad that Sergeant McQuade has another chance. I just feel badly for those who don't."

"So do I," Victoria replied.

Audra hesitated. "I prayed for him, after he left," she said. "And for Major Eliot too. I wonder if this is how part of my prayer was answered."

"Maybe so, Audra," Victoria said. "Maybe so."

xxxx

Sean McQuade had been lying on his stomach and staring at the bed's brass headboard bars and the hospital wall beyond them for some time. Of course, he wasn't really seeing them; he was lost in thoughts of his life, especially from the past year. Overall, he wasn't sure he liked what he remembered.

He had never thought of himself as a particularly treacherous man; he had never done anything illegal or crooked before last year, even though he had never liked how he had been dirt poor for most of his life. He had envied Major Eliot and his lifestyle for a long time before that fateful night in Tucson and had wished that someday he could become an officer with as generous a salary. But he had only been a buck private then, with little hope of ever achieving much more.

He hadn't been horrible enough to have tried blackmailing the man over what he knew; that wouldn't have even occurred to him. But when the Major himself had suggested dropping McQuade in the lap of luxury in exchange for his silence, well, his greed and longing for more out of life had got the better of him and he had agreed. After all, the girl was dead and nothing could bring her back, and if McQuade was always around, maybe he could prevent any future murders somehow.

That was how he had tried to rationalize it, and now look what had come of it. Another girl was dead, a third could have been and also her mother, and he had been brutally stabbed.

Stabbed. Yes, that was how he would think of it. Just stabbed. Not dead. He hadn't died.

But how to explain the conversation in Audra Barkley's bedroom?

He groaned, slumping face first into the pillow. There was no way to rationalize that. He had been dead and he knew it. And how would he ever explain it to her? It had all seemed so surreal at the time. She probably believed it had been a dream. Maybe it would be better to leave it like that, if she didn't bring it up.

And what was he going to do with his life now? The future didn't look bright for him here any more than it had if he had stayed dead. Well, a human prison surely couldn't be as bad as Hellfire, but if he had to spend the rest of his life in a human prison and then could still only look forward to fire and brimstone for eternity, it was certainly a bleak existence and he would have just as soon started experiencing eternity now.

There was a chance it would just be a dishonorable discharge and no prison time; both the military prosecutor and Jarrod Barkley had told him that. But having that brand of shame on him for the rest of his life wasn't going to be pleasant, either. Wherever he would go, his reputation would very likely precede him. He would be isolated and outcast. Still, he knew he had earned at least that much lifelong punishment, so he would have to grin and bear it.

A knock at the door startled him out of his thoughts and he looked up. "Come in," he said warily.

He was surprised to look over and see Jarrod Barkley entering for the second time that day. "Hello again," he greeted.

"Hello, Mr. Barkley," McQuade returned. "What brings you back here?"

Jarrod advanced farther into the room, coming over near the bed. "Well, frankly, I was wondering if you have legal counsel lined up," he said.

"For the court-martial, you mean," McQuade said. "No, Mr. Barkley, I don't. I don't even know if I'll be able to find anyone willing to do the dirty deed. I can't have many friends in town now that the whole story has come out."

"You have some." Jarrod looked at him in all seriousness. "You said you were trying to protect my sister when Major Eliot attacked you. That makes all of the Barkley family grateful to you. For my part, I'd like to defend you at your court-martial."

McQuade looked up at him, astounded. "You really mean that?" He crossed his arms on the pillow. "I'm not squeaky clean by any stretch of the imagination. You'll have your work cut out for you."

"I realize that," Jarrod said. "I'm willing to take that chance. Yours certainly wouldn't be the first difficult case I've handled."

"Well then." McQuade rose up enough to offer a hand to shake. "I'll be proud to have you as my solicitor, Mr. Barkley."

Jarrod gave a firm handshake. "I'll do my best to try to keep you out of prison, if you're ready and willing to make a fresh start in your life, but I'm afraid there's very little chance that you won't receive a dishonorable discharge."

McQuade gave a sigh of resignation. "I know that. But if you can keep me alive and free, that's plenty more than I deserve."

"You might be surprised, Sergeant," Jarrod said. "Oh, and if you're not feeling up to talking, we can do this tomorrow or another day. There won't be any court-martial until you've healed, of course."

"No, no." McQuade gave a dismissive wave. "I've just been lyin' here starin' at that wall for hours. I'd much rather do something constructive, even if the pay-off is a long way from now."

Jarrod pulled up the chair next to the bed. "Then let's get started."


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Audra spent a large portion of the day wondering how Jarrod's visit with Sergeant McQuade was going and if McQuade would agree to let Jarrod defend him. She also wondered whether or not she should try to see him too. It seemed the only right and polite thing to do, really, when she knew him and he had been staying at the Barkley home. And of course, when he had tried to protect her.

Then there was their late-night conversation to consider. Should she bring it up? Should she leave it alone, figuring that he would bring it up if he remembered it and that otherwise it would be better not to say anything? He might have lost all memories of being dead or leaving his badly injured body or whatever had happened. Audra wouldn't want to remind him if he had. He might not believe it anyway.

She hurried over when the door opened and Jarrod and Nick came in. After greetings were exchanged, she asked, "What happened with Sergeant McQuade, Jarrod?"

Jarrod took off his hat. "He agreed to let me defend him," he reported. "We talked for a long time about how to approach his defense."

"How is he?" Audra persisted.

Nick raised an eyebrow. "You've been awfully curious about him all day long," he said, only partially teasing. "Are you sure it was only the Major you spent a lot of time with?"

Audra flushed. "I'm just naturally concerned about him, since he was trying to protect me and he was hurt right here in the house."

"Of course, Nick," Jarrod said, sounding a bit teasing as well. "That's all it is." Looking to Audra, he said, "And he's mostly bored out of his mind. The knife amazingly didn't hit anything vital, but it will still take a while for a wound like that to heal." He paused before adding, "He'd probably like a visit from someone other than his attorney."

Audra didn't want to admit that she had been thinking about that. The last thing she wanted was to facilitate more grounds for Nick's teasing. As innocent as it was, it was rather awkward under the circumstances. She was still smarting a bit from Major Eliot getting it in his head that he and Audra were more seriously involved than they were. She didn't want the townspeople to start thinking such things about her and Sergeant McQuade. But on the other hand, he had tried to protect her and she always came back to the idea that it would surely be proper for her to visit him, at least for a short time.

"Well," she said, "maybe I'll go tomorrow."

xxxx

Jarrod was right about McQuade being bored and feeling welcoming toward visitors. When Audra arrived the next day and made her way to his hospital bed, he immediately perked up.

"Miss Barkley!" He smiled up at her. "Excuse me not gettin' up."

"It's perfectly understandable, Sergeant," Audra replied. "How are you?"

"Oh . . . I could be better, of course, but when I think about how much worse I could be, I'm just fine with it." McQuade folded his arms on the pillow. "I wasn't expecting you to come by."

"I thought you could use a visit," Audra smiled, kindly.

"You were right, lass. It's awfully dull in a place like this." McQuade hesitated, looking awkward. "I . . . wasn't sure how you'd feel about your brother defending me."

Audra blinked in surprise. "I thought it was a wonderful idea. I encouraged him to do it when he brought it up."

"I'm glad." McQuade still looked awkward, despite his smile. "I just . . . ahem . . . I wondered if you'd feel like I deserved a second chance. I mean, it's one thing to say it when it looks like there's no hope, but another to still want it and believe in it when it actually becomes possible. . . ." He trailed off. Now he appeared embarrassed.

"Sergeant, what are you really trying to say?" Audra asked.

Emboldened, McQuade finally said, "I'm not quite sure what I'm trying to say, Miss Barkley. About that night in your room, I don't know how to explain it or talk about it. And yet it's not the kind of thing you can just brush under the rug, either. . . ."

"It's alright, Sergeant," Audra interrupted. "I know it happened. It was unsettling at the time, but it must have been even more upsetting for you. I'm glad you came to speak with me. And I'm even more glad that I was right and there was hope for you."

Relief spread across McQuade's features. "There was at that," he said. "And in a way neither of us expected."

"There certainly was." Audra hesitated, wanting to ask more but not sure it was proper.

McQuade, however, noticed her reluctance. "What is it?"

That convinced her to take the plunge. "Well," she said slowly, "I was just wondering what happened to you when you left my room."

"And if I went on to the afterlife, eh?" McQuade went on without waiting for confirmation. "If I did, I don't remember it now. The next thing I remember clearly is waking up in the morgue."

"That must have been frightening," Audra said.

"And confusing," McQuade added. "Of all the ways I'd pictured Hell to look, that wasn't one of them. I never quite imagined Heaven looking like that, either. I wasn't sure _where_ I was. I finally realized I was alive when I fell off the table and found I was bleeding."

"I can't imagine how shocking that was," Audra declared.

"I couldn't believe it at first," McQuade said. "I knew I'd been dead. But somehow the impossible had happened and my life had been given back to me." He continued, "I don't deserve it, but I don't aim to waste it now that it's happened."

"I'm sure you won't," said Audra. Smiling, she added, "And when you really die, maybe then you _will_ go to Heaven."

"We'll see." McQuade sounded and looked doubtful, but hope flickered in his eyes.

xxxx

Audra felt happy as she left the hospital not long after that. It had been the right thing to visit Sergeant McQuade and he had been very appreciative. She was still sure that he would make good with his newfound second chance, especially if Jarrod was able to keep him from going to prison.

"So, Miss Barkley, you've been visiting the town snake, haven't you?"

Audra jumped a mile as a foot slammed down in front of her path. As she looked up, she found herself staring at a very drunk and very displeased Jud Crowley. Even while he wavered, he clutched a half-empty bottle in his hand.

"I was visiting Sergeant McQuade," she said at last.

"That's what I said, the town snake." Jud glowered at Audra with glassy eyes filled with anguish. "He just let Cora die! But that doesn't matter, ohhh no. He tried to save one of the great Barkleys, so that makes him worthy of a defense and getting off the hook. You can bet Jarrod would never think of defending him if it'd been you killed that night instead of Cora!"

Audra felt sorry for Jud, even though at the same time she felt very uncomfortable with this meeting and his accusations. "He tried to save Cora too," she protested. "And Jarrod still would have defended him no matter what happened to me." She frowned. "Jarrod doesn't base everything he does on what happens to the rest of the family. He bases it on what he thinks is right. You should be grateful to him; he proved you innocent of Cora's murder."

"I didn't say I wasn't grateful," Jud grunted. "I just don't like that this McQuade character is still in town and that he's also getting a defense by Jarrod Barkley. He isn't innocent. Major Eliot is already dead, so the only one left to get punished for Cora's murder is Sergeant McQuade. He didn't actually strangle her, but Eliot couldn't have done it if McQuade hadn't been so greedy!" He stamped his foot hard on the wooden sidewalk. "Why should he be able to get away with it?!"

"He won't," Audra insisted. "Jarrod says he'll almost surely be given a dishonorable discharge from the Army. That's never easy to live with."

"But he'll be living!" Jud spat. "He's alive and Cora's laying in the cemetery!"

"Well, I don't think he deserves to be dead too!" Audra found herself exclaiming back. "How many people have to die over this? Haven't there been enough already?"

Several people on the other side of the street turned to look. Chagrined, Audra tried to calm herself before she gently continued. "Nothing is going to bring Cora back, Jud. I think she would want you to not hold a grudge."

Jud looked away, sobered now himself. "That's not so easy to do."

"I know," Audra said softly. "And it's okay if it takes time. But in the meantime, you might try thinking that Sergeant McQuade feels terrible about what happened too. He never wanted anyone to get killed. He honestly thought he could stop it from happening."

Jud gripped the bottle, still not meeting her gaze. "Maybe I can try to think of it like that, but that'll be hard too." He turned to go. "I'm sorry I bothered you, Miss Barkley. I didn't really mean to take my feelings out on you."

"That's alright," Audra replied. Still, she felt somewhat relieved when he limped back down the sidewalk. That was not a conversation she had planned on and she really hadn't known what to do with it.

She sighed as she climbed into the wagon and snapped the lines for the horse to go. The Barkleys had always experienced a certain level of isolation because of their wealthy status in town. Those who didn't have as much sometimes felt bitter and even hateful towards the entire family. Now they would likely have new reasons to feel that way. Jud Crowley wouldn't be the only one. Cora hadn't been a pillar of society, but whether or not the townspeople were very upset over her death, they would be indignant over the Barkleys helping someone like McQuade. Eventually something new to think about would come along and the hostility would fade somewhat, but it was bound to be unpleasant until then.

Still, Audra felt they were doing the right thing by not abandoning Sergeant McQuade. And she would continue to feel that way no matter what happened. She knew Jarrod would as well.


End file.
